


Born to Die

by consultantjim



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, Post Reichenbach, Sadness, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-27
Updated: 2012-03-27
Packaged: 2017-11-02 14:35:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/370075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/consultantjim/pseuds/consultantjim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian doesn't know what to do know, now Jim's dead. He reflects about their life together and when it begins for him to love the consulting criminal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Born to Die

**Author's Note:**

> This is a songfic for the song "Born to Die" by Lana del Rey. I think it fits perfectly to MorMor, so I thought I write a songfic about it. Enjoy! I am sorry if there are still any grammar mistakes (I'm not a native speaker) and want to thank my Beta, for erasing all/most of them.

Shit, shit, shit. Has this right now really happened?

Sebastian can feel his legs weaken; he doesn’t believe that this scene was real. But first he has to finish this job, he is going to dedicate this to Jim. He has to stay a dark, silent threat with a gun in a stairwell. That was their plan, before Jim shot himself in the head and lay on the ground, cold, no life pulsing through his veins. He waits for the moment they longed for so long.

Sherlock, who is stepping one step further into death and John, his loyal fool, screaming at him not to. Painfully it reminds him of himself. But he doesn’t scream. When the storm had died down he pulls himself together, packs his bags and disappears silently as he had come. He ignores his heart, which wants to break with every step he takes towards their apartment. Most of the people ignore him. He feels so alone, now he knows that Jim’s eyes don’t trace him everywhere. Arriving in their apartment, everything reminds Seb of Jim.

The holes in the wall, even this terrible kitten poster which Jim insisted to hang up. Sebastian realizes a burning in his eyes. “Don’t begin to cry like a little girl”, Moran tells himself, wiping the small trace of tears away. Now Jim causes him to cry. It is going to be tough without him. But, don’t think about it now. That only makes it harder to hold back his tears. Maybe Moran’s love wasn’t enough. Maybe just because of that Jim shot himself and makes it harder for Sebastian to get through life. But he doesn’t know it and instead wishes the old times back. Back then they noticed that something was between them, something like a tension, full with sexual desire for each other.

No surprise that they had sex after their first job together. Both couldn’t resist this tension. Seb remembers their first night. It was good, sweaty and full of insanity. But it was the right thing for him to get off. For both of them their sex was meaningless, just a little fun in the meantime. They both agreed silently on that. And in their “funtime” they never kissed. But this had changed suddenly. As the happening at the pool was over, secretly Moran was happy about the call from Irene and there he realized that Moriarty could be more to him than he wanted to admit. They met in front of their apartment; first they had shared it as flatmates. Then it became friends with benefits and now they are lovers. At least this is what Seb thinks, but now he isn’t so sure about that. In the rollercoaster of his emotions Seb collared Jim and kissed him hard. “You know, I couldn't have gotten you out of there alive?” Jim looked long and pervasive at him with his dark and crazy eyes. Seb didn’t avoid his gaze. “I know”, Jim said only. On their second kiss Jim took the lead and pulled him into his bedroom. Seb stood up to letting Jim do this to him.

He loved the unpredictability and this insanity of his Jim. He can’t put it in other words. He misses him terribly now. He does the jobs, takes care of everything and moves up the ladder from “the second most dangerous man” to the most, but all of this because Jim is dead and it doesn’t mean anything for him. He knows that he can never touch Jims work and the clients know that too. But they take what they can get. Actually he should have known, that their relationship was doomed from the beginning.

He should take Jim’s last words more seriously than just thinking it was a simple “Goodbye, see ya.” It was a goodbye forever. Jim had know that he was going to die. Why hasn’t Moran paid attention? He is convinced that those last words are Jims way to say “I love you”. After a while Sebastian can’t take his solitude. He begins to wander around aimlessly and hopes everything would get better. Arriving on a bridge, he stops walking and looks down in the dreggy and babbling water. What if Jim had meant what he had said, if they could see each other again?

Being reunited somewhere else. Seb assumes, he can see clearly now. He can’t imagine a life without Jim, even if it gets him into a lot of trouble. Jim is worth this whole trouble. He doesn’t want to bear this pain forever. He knows that time will make him forget but he doesn’t want to forget Jim. He’s sure about his next action. He climbs easily onto the railing, still fixating the water. He doesn’t want anymore not without Jim.

Shortly before he jumps, he hears someone cough slightly. He turns around to see Jims face clear next to him.

“Don’t do that”, he says.


End file.
